


Weaponized Customer Service Voice

by strawberriesandtophats



Category: The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells
Genre: Abuse, Gen, Post Network Effect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28200585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberriesandtophats/pseuds/strawberriesandtophats
Summary: I am only a simple bot with simple needs, said the petbot, which was named Nina. Then it sent Murderbot amusement sigil 417 for ‘robot.’And yet it appears that I court chaos at every turn.
Relationships: Amena & Murderbot (Murderbot Diaries), Asshole Research Transport & Murderbot (Murderbot Diaries)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 60





	Weaponized Customer Service Voice

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished Network Effect and could not get this idea out of my head, so here is a ficlet.

Some people were always looking for a target to abuse. They cruised through life, showing off to others in order to slight them and liked to degrade those that they considered lower in the social hierarchy than they were.

Murderbot had seen many historical serials where humans delighted in telling off their servants, secretaries and salespeople.

Plenty of humans liked to bitch at bots if they didn’t get what they wanted immediately and reasoned that there would be no consequences for their actions. It was a sight that horrified some humans, others just tried to ignore it and then gossiped about it to everyone they knew.

Murderbot had thought that such people kept away from terrifying SecUnits and disgruntled security specialists, especially if they were actively keeping a large number of vulnerable young humans safe. It was wrong.

When such a person came into the department store, Murderbot was keeping an eye on all the security cameras and watching the group of students chat about the clothes and useful accessories they had wanted to buy. They had already eaten and this was their last stop before going back to the ship.

ART had explained to Murderbot that adolescent humans loved to take small rest stops in between study trips and it was only a tiny one, anyway. They had made multiple plans together to ensure the students were safe during this stop and so far, they had been.

Murderbot was already tired of babysitting, but had found a jacket with multiple pockets so that it was in a relatively good mood. Especially since it had been discussing the more bizarre side plots of _Sanctuary Moon_ with several of the students in a subchannel to the private channel.

It had not expected the older woman who had just entered the store to start openly shouting at an older model petbot for being in her way. Nor had the students, some of them practically launched themselves in Murderbot’s direction as the woman went on a self-indulgent rant about how useless petbots were to society.

This was a relatively common complaint, but Murderbot had never heard anyone talk about petbots like they were slime underneath their boots before. After all, they were by design rather harmless and friendly.

A quick search indicated that the woman who had shouted the petbot was named Karen. She was currently under investigation for defenestrating a cleaning bot at a hotel and starting a fight with eight of her coworkers at once while on a work trip and thereby drawing attention to how they had all been suspects in a murder investigation on board a high-end shuttle eight years ago. Oh, and she had a shoplifting charge.

The weapons scan indicated that she had a nasty modified dagger on her person.

Great.

Murderbot had just wanted a new jacket. And to keep the students safe, of course.

Further search indicated that Karen was employed by the sort of company that was known for its shadiness and had more money than several fictional deities.

Murderbot decided that it did not care. No one was hurting the students.

And judging by how Karen’s temper was becoming worse by the second, the likelihood of her lashing out at the other humans in her vicinity rose.

_Stay close to me, everyone_ , said Murderbot on the private channel it shared with the students. It also pinged the store bot, alerting it to the store bot to Karen’s criminal record.

The store bot sent back a very polite standard message of gratitude, finished wrapping up a pair of work boots for the student that had bought them and then its cheerful voice changed to one of an icily stern assistant headmistress in a boarding school historical drama.

Murderbot immediately saved that voice and tone to permanent storage. It would no doubt be useful in the future, if the way that the students were giving each other alarmed looks was anything to judge by.

The store bot approached Karen and began talking, eventually pointing at the door for emphasis.

The students edged closer to Murderbot, looking disturbed by Karen’s increasingly loud voice and angry behavior.

It helped that Amena, who had decided to study at the Pansystem University of Mihira and New Tideland, was making gestures at the students to then stay close to Murderbot. She had been absently listening to the song echoing through the space, the lyrics had a man asking the ancient weather gods to continue to freeze water so that he could stay inside with his partners. But now she had on an expression suggested that she was scared but did not want to admit it.

_Security Consultant Rin will keep us safe_ ; she told the other students as Karen threatened the store bot and demanded to speak to someone human. Silence fell as Karen looked preoccupied, clearly busy sending a long rant about bad service to the store’s HQ.

_I will_ , Murderbot said, accessing the map it had made with ART about the quickest routes back to the ship in case of an emergency.

The students stayed put.

Murderbot watched though the security cameras as the petbot made its way to its owner, a quiet adolescent human that Murderbot recognized as one of Amena’s friends. They were named Ida and studied diplomacy at a different university and liked to watch adventure media, Murderbot remembered.

Amena saw them and waved.

Ida waved back, still watching Karen with a wary expression, their other hand gripping the handle of their wheelchair. The petbot weighted a scarf in its hands, as if pondering if it could use it as a murder weapon if the woman came close to them again.

Murderbot pinged it.

_Hello_ , it said. _Do you require assistance?_

_I am only a simple bot with simple needs,_ said the petbot _,_ which was named Nina. Then it sent Murderbot amusement sigil 417 for ‘robot.’ _And yet it appears that I court chaos at every turn._

Murderbot drew closer, happy to recognize that as a reference to the catchphrase of a world-weary SecUnit on _Worldhoppers._

_Same_ , Murderbot said. _Disaster finds us all._

Nina sent a flurry of amusement sigils, indicating delight at that reference to Sanctuary Moon. Now that Murderbot was closer and had a better visual, it could see that Nina appeared to be doing some calculations.

_I’d appreciate your assistance if disaster does strike,_ said Nina _. The store bot has not been programmed to deal with anything more dangerous than armed robbery and rude customers. And I cannot protect all the students at once._

_I can,_ Murderbot answered, pinging ART so to warn the ship that the students would be coming back sooner than they had scheduled.

It could feel ART accessing all the security cameras as well, looming over it.

_Everyone is fine_ , Murderbot reported. And then on the private channel it had with all the students, it said: _It is time to go back, wrap up your shopping._

There was a flurry of amusement sigils and agreements.

“What is going on?” asked Ida, when the students formed a queue and began paying for their stuff as soon as the store bot was back behind its counter.

“This is my third mom,” said Amena, gesturing to Murderbot and then back at Ida. “And this is Ida Wilson.”

Murderbot waited for her to expand on her former statement, but she just adjusted bag she was holding, which contained her newly purchased sensible work boots and a warm jacket.

“I’m Security Consultant Rin,” Murderbot said, putting on a calming episode of _Sanctuary Moon_ in the background. “Hello.”

“Oh,” Ida said. “It’s nice to meet you. Amena has told me about you, Security Consultant Rin.”

Murderbot turned to face them, distantly aware that it had been radiating what ART kept calling ‘big murder energy’ in the direction of Karen as she was escorted out of the store.

“No one is going to die on my watch today,” Murderbot said, also addressing the worried students. Let’s just finish up here so that we can get back home before anyone gets eaten or killed.”

“Eaten?” Ida asked.

“Humans don’t realize how fragile and crunchy they are,” Murderbot stated. “That is why they are so bad at security.”

_You said ‘home,’_ said Amena. _You mean going back on board the Perihelion, right?_

_Yes,_ Murderbot said, paying for the jacket and pinging the store bot in acknowledgement when it thanked it for the assistance. _That is where I live._

Amena was smiling as she said goodbye to her friend. She was still smiling when Murderbot was feeling like one of those sheepdogs in a documentary on Earth It had once bingewatched when bored, escorting all the students on board.

And when Murderbot had finally settled down for a rest cycle, ART sent it amusement sigil 1491 for ‘house.’ And then amusement sigil 777 for ‘spaceship.’

Murderbot had not smiled. It had not smiled at all.


End file.
